A Can of Worms Part 3 - Telling The Right Story

Continuing this little series of posts, which began here and proceeded here... in this post I want to address issue 4):

"Do I have a book in me? Sure; more than one, in my opinion; books, plays, screenplays... but the ones I would *like* to write (indeed, have part-written) would not be *this* one, if I'm honest. This is such a fundamental issue for me that I'm going to write another post on this issue alone."

As you might have gathered, I am something of a frustrated would-be writer. Then again, isn't everybody (apart from those who *are* published, of course!) I'm not going to comment on whether the world has been spared a horror by the fact that I haven't actually published anything; it's a racing certainty that I'd need a good editor with a plentiful stock of red pens, otherwise I'd tend to works of a Proustian scale rather than an elegant Haiku. ;-) Actually, I'm probably being a little unfair on myself; I love Haiku, and have written a fair few in my time. Maybe I'll dig some out and post some somewhere... But I digress!

OK, I *have* to give a little historical context here, but it isn't really "dwelling on the past" so I'll cut myself a little slack. In February 2001, I had pretty much a full-on emotional melt-down, and spent the best part of seven months trying to recover. At the time, I was running my own company, so that was, er, "interesting"! By August 2001, I was starting to get back on my feet, but was (because of the work hiatus) seriously stretched financially. But I plugged on, and started to build up my business again... and then really crashed hard in January 2002. The reason is simple enough; I knew I was transgendered, and was trying everything I could think of to deal with *being* transgendered, *without* transitioning. But I was also fighting clinical depression; and while I still think that my depression is actually a separate beast, I am convinced that the strain of not dealing with being transgendered was like throwing petrol on the fires of my depression. Something had to give. It did. Me. In early 2002, I knew that I couldn't continue trying to work, trying to keep one step ahead of creditors, trying to keep a lid on being transgendered and trying to deal with depression. Two wonderful friends of mine stepped up to the plate. "Get your backside up here; come and live with us while you get yourself sorted". Which, on reflection I decided to do. In one sentence that hides a multitude of activities, I petitioned for personal bankruptcy, told the friends in question about my being transgendered (which I felt it was only fair that they know), packed up and moved up to Scotland.

So, how did I occupy my time? They gave me the space and encouragement to do something I'd long wanted to do, but had never had the time to do; to write. I've had ideas for books, plays and screenplays in my head for years; time to realise one of them. And that's what I set about doing. It was slow going, because I was *still* not dealing with being transgendered, and was really feeling the effects of depression; but I made progress. I'd set myself the goal of plotting and producing a compelling work of fiction written as book *and* play; i.e. rather than writing a book which someone might adapt to a screenplay (assuming it was worth filming) or writing a screenplay which might be novelised if the film was successful, I tried to ensure that the story was constructed such that it would be visually captivating if filmed, yet work as a good book if novelised (I'm sure that some of the people who read what I write will agree that books and screenplays are completely separate beasts). Well, I love a challenge, and that was the one I set myself. I think I was probably about 40% done when something completely unexpected happened.

I fell in love.

I'm not going to be any more specific than that at this point, because of issue 11) I raised in the first of these posts. All I'll say, for now, is that I relocated once more, was not able to devote any more time to my writing at that point, and then circumstances occurred which destroyed the latest state of my work-in-progress. Yes, backups are wonderful things... but I had been lax in my backup regime (I had a few things on my mind) and so the latest version I have of what I'd written is, maybe, 20% complete. Circumstances dictated that I needed to really get back to full-time employment, which I did. And I haven't written a word more since, of that work, at least.

Why have I written all this? Because I want to justify my position, which is that, *if* I have the talent to write something worth publishing... then I'd rather like it to be the book & screenplay that I worked on back then. However... it's entirely possible that, good as I hoped they were and better as I hoped they would become, neither was good enough in their own right.

But another thought nags away at me; maybe they *are* good enough... but maybe the chances of something happening with them would be significantly improved if I'd already been published. I have no idea if the publishing industry works that way... but what if it did? What if, much as I might have reservations, by writing the kind of book Susan suggests I made it more likely that one of my other works might see the light of day? OK, I'll admit it; *that* is a tempting prospect, for me at least. But, as I've said, I've no idea if the world works like that.

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A Can of Worms Part 2 - Map-Reading

Following on from a previous post, this one addresses one of the issues I raised in that post, i.e. item 6):

"If I compiled such a book, wouldn't it be akin to saying "this is how to do *it*"... whatever *it* might be. As a Buddhist, I have a fundamental problem with *telling* people how to do things. Again, this is such a fundamental issue for me that I'll address it in another post."

So what am I getting at here? Well, let's assume that one possible justification for (or, if not justification for, then at least by-product of) such a book would the idea that it might capture some experience or knowledge that might help others on some problematic life-journey of their own.

Here's a very high-level summary of two of the key aspects of Buddhism. One is the notion of the "Three Treasures"; the other, the "Four Noble Truths". The Three Treasures are the Buddha (the Enlightened One), the Dharma (the "body of Knowledge" that represents the teachings of the Buddha) and the Sangha (the Buddhist community). The Buddha made the Dharma available to the Sangha. But you don't get the full benefit of the Dharma just by reading it. You can't (well, you shouldn't, at least in my opinion) take it on trust; you have to consider it, examine it, think how it applies to your life, your circumstances; meditate on it. My analogy would be this; even assuming I had something worth saying, am I actually doing the people who might benefit from it a service by conveniently packaging it up for them? Don't they have to work at it themselves to get the benefit from it? A master craftsman could justifiably train his apprentice; but should a coach give steroids to his athlete? If I wrote such a book, would it be training or steroids?

The Four Noble Truths (depending on the source you use and the translation you apply) basically state that a) life is suffering; b) suffering is caused by craving; c) suffering can be overcome; and d) there is a path to follow to overcome that suffering. That path, the Noble Eightfold Path, describes the behaviours and attitudes which may lead to enlightenment. So here's my analogy; the situation I'm in has meant that my life has been pretty painful, up to this point. Maybe I've figured out how to correct that; maybe the path that worked for me could work for someone else. But (and it's a big but), *maybe that path only worked for me because I took so many wrong turns before I found the right one*. Maybe if I hadn't taken such a twisty path, I *couldn't* have reached my destination. Or appreciated it when I got there; or enjoyed the journey when I was clear about the destination I aspired to.

So I'm a bit stumped as to what to do for the best! ;-) Here's another analogy; let's assume I'm a map-maker, a cartographer. I construct a map of how I got from a) to b), clearly marking the route I took, the areas I strayed into that I wish I hadn't, the areas I strayed into that I'm glad I did, the areas I didn't go into which I regret I never saw, and the hazards I'm glad I didn't wander into. A navigational guide from starting grid to the chequered flag, if you like. Perhaps I write a little travelogue that describes the journey. What kinds of people could use or enjoy the map and / or the travelogue?

1) People who start from my starting point and aspire to my destination could retrace my steps, as accurately as I've recorded them;

2) People who start where I started and aspire to my destination could take a different path, but at least they'd know where my path was if they found their own a little too taxing;

3) People whose starting point and / or destination are different to mine, but who need to cover a part of the same route, could follow my path where appropriate, or use similar navigational techniques over a different part of the map;

4) People who aspire to my destination, but decide that my path is simply not for them, might still be encouraged to know that hacking through the jungle is worth the effort;

5) People who have no interest in joining me at my destination, but who like a good travel story, might just want to enjoy learning about the journey I made! ;-)

And there are undoubtedly other ways to extend that analogy. My point is, that the higher up that list you are, the more you might appreciate the guidance; but the higher up that list you are, the more nervous I am about the consequences of leading you astray. In my CrossOver audio shows, I've typically made a comment along the lines of "I don't give advice; I can only talk with authority about what has worked, and what hasn't worked, for *me*". And I'm keenly aware that at times I *had* to make painful mistakes and go through enormous torment, because otherwise I wouldn't have had the motivation, resolve or necessity to take seemingly drastic (but actually quite essential) steps.

I've a horrible feeling I've completely shrouded my dilemma in confusion there! :-) Actually, that's probably the nub of the matter; I'm afraid that in trying to do the *right* thing, I may actually make it worse for someone else. And I don't want to do that.

This jungle is awfully dark; pass me a torch, someone, please! ;-)

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RE: Anyone have an invite for Yahoo 360?

I’d love to get in on the ground floor of Yahoo 360 — anyone have an invite they can flip me?

[Via I Love Radio .org]

And that's a big old AOL "me, too!" if anyone's got one going spare... pretty please... ;-)

Update: I'm now sorted with an invite (thanks, Adrian!) So, let me return the favour; if anyone else would like an invite (I'm not sure how many I have, it's not immediately obvious to me, unlike Gmail invites) then leave a comment on this post and I'll send one along. Actually, since I have a wad of Gmail invites too, if anyone wants one of *those* as well / instead, likewise, please leave a comment and I'll oblige.

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Gadgets! I *love* them! :-)

Gratuitous geek gadget alert... on Friday, my good friend TJ (and his lovely wife, Katy) installed a new CD player / radio in my car... together with an interface for my iPod Mini, so that the latter can now be fully controlled from the radio head unit. It's just wicked! Of course, while they were hard at work, so was I; drinking their coffee, playing with their cats, and fixing my make-up, which I'd been too late out of bed to do. ;-) Anyway, the sound quality is amazing, and the killer aspect, for me, is that the content management metadata (e.g. play count, last played) is fully implemented in reverse; since I make extensive use of Smart Playlists in iTunes to manage the high volume of podcasts that flow through my iPod, that point was fundamental for me (and the primary reason why I had to throw my hands up in defeat at trying to achieve the same end (listening to podcasts in my car) by means of burning CDs. If I have *one* criticism, it's that I can't rate a track from the head unit (which would be, for me, the icing on the cake); but I'll forgive the manufacturer's oversight, this time. ;-)

The other gadget was one I actually bought a few months ago, a wireless networked media player, but was never really ble to use as fully as I'd hoped. The aim was to include this in my home entertainment system (i.e. it's wired up to my TV, as I don't actually have a full-blown Hi-Fi system) and use it to access media (audio files, video files, pictures) shared out on devices (e.g. my laptop) on my wireless LAN. This was great, as far as it went; but I couldn't for the life of me, get the player to play protected (i.e. subject to Digital Rights Management) Windows Media Audio files, nor could I use any of the supposedly-available online streaming services across my broadband connection. I tracked the former down to an issue with the firmware in the device; it needed to be at least Version 1.04 (1.05 was the latest, according to the manufacturer's web site, and mine was steadfastly rooted at 1.03EU). This looked suspiciously like a case of "one law for the US, one for Europe", and meant that I couldn't use the otherwise wonderful commercial Napster service until the firmware was upgraded. I wrote to the manufacturer... no response. Well, tonight, on a whim, I turned on the device to see if a firmware update was available, and lo, it automagically updated to 1.05EU.e1. One hard reboot of both the media player (and the laptop, hosting Windows Media Connect) later, and not only can I now make full use of the Napster service (which I will wax annoyingly lyrical about in a future post)... but there's now access to the Live365.com streaming media service as well! :-)

Tonight, I'm in "geek gadget heaven".

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RE: Power to the People

It might surprise some people, particularly those who know that I am most definitely *not* a Christian, to learn that one of my favourite blogs is Brian Bailey's "Leave It Behind". For a variety of reasons; Brian is an intelligent developer, a clear and thought-provoking writer, and an excellent "meta-filter" for want of a better term. That he works for, and is an enthusiastic advocate for, a particularly evangelical church is not an issue for me; the fact that I wouldn't (by choice) sit in his church's congregation doesn't mean that I'm not interested in what they think and believe... far from it. Anyway, a recent post on Brian's blog was:

The brilliant Martin Fowler continues the recent theme that the key to developing quality software is to hire positive, talented, highly-motivated developers and then remove all obstacles that stand in their way. Read PeopleMatterMost.

[Via Leave It Behind > Brian Bailey]

Martin Fowler's article is not the first that I've read proposing that philosophy; indeed, it's a line of thinking I've long espoused. But Martin's article may be the clearest justification I've yet read.

And the moral of this message is: I don't work for nothing, and I don't come cheaply! ;-)

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RE: CrossOver Session Five: "Why two check-boxes are simply not enough"

Now online (MP3, 4.4 MB, 18 minutes 55 seconds) - in which I discuss my perspective on why society's insistence on a strictly male or female view of the world simply isn't enough. This session includes a short excerpt from Dr. Moira Gunn's interview with Deborah Rudicille of Johns-Hopkins University, which can be downloaded from the "IT Conversations" web site (included under the terms of the Creative Commons Sampling License). See the shownotes (HTML, OPML) for relevant links.

[Via CrossOverPodcast]

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The Studio

KoanStudio,
originally uploaded by Koan Bremner.

From where I broadcast to an unsuspecting world... another Stressless recliner, my Marantz PMD670 digital recorder, iPod Mini, mug of coffee, bay window looking out into the New Forest... all human life is here. And deer, moles, cats, horses, ponies, pigs, donkeys...


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The better crew won... sadly!

Oh well, there's always next year... actually, watching this exertion has given me an idea. PodcasterCon has been announced (no date as yet, as far as I can tell) but the venue is set for Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I would love to attend. I *could* just fly, of course (and use my lovely new passport)... or I could row! At least, I could row the distance on the Concept 2. I'd probably make it in time for the *next* PodcasterCon. ;-)

Now, where's my atlas...

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Or the stroke..

DSC00013,
originally uploaded by Koan Bremner.

Of course, I could also write some code, read some blogs, listen to some podcasts, paint my nails... or all of them!


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In the bow seat

DSC00012,
originally uploaded by Koan Bremner.

Playing Rugby wasn't my last competitive outing... in 1986, at the start of my last year at University, I decide to try rowing, for my college. Which was great fun, if a little challenging (primarily because of getting up at 6am three mornings a week in a freezing Cambridge winter to row. I had some photos of my crew racing, but of course I can't find them right now. So I've put a couple of pictures on Flickr (taken with my cellphone, apologies for average quality) to show that the spirit is still there... yes, that's my Concept 2 rower, together with my Stressless recliner, four remote controllers, laptop, iPod Mini (pink, of course), mug of coffee... so when I've finished killing myself on the rower I can collapse into my recliner. ;-)

And, of course, my allegiance is with the Light Blues... "rowed, Cambridge, rowed!"


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Without doubt, the funniest thing I have heard so far this year...

... primarily because I know *exactly* what this feels like; and now, so does Tod...

In this rather humiliating episode, professional esthetician Laura Gardiner teaches you how to wax your ass-crack. (Or any part of your body, for that matter.) Horrifyingly, I get my ass-hair waxed off -- all set to the haunting music of Bolero.

[Via I Love Radio .org]

Trust me; you want to download and listen to this. It's only 2.5MB in size. Five minutes of pure pleasure. Yours, not his.

Perhaps I should suggest that he tries electrolysis on this area...? Maybe not. ;-)

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"Michelle, any regrets?" "No, never, never; not a one"

I was talking today with one of the people I have come to know while working at Exony. In the course of that conversation, that person said the following (it was an online conversation, and I quote this part of it verbatim):

"Let me say this though: You have challenged me and many others I am sure. You challenge people (indeed society) to examine ourselves, and our ideas. You may not be aware, but you have profoundly changed people at Exony."

I was completely taken aback by that statement. Is that true? That's not the way that I see things... but the person concerned doesn't lie. Whether *I* believe it or not... *they* believe it. Which started me thinking... so now it's *your* turn. ;-)

Think of a person you admire; someone who inspires you. Why did you choose them? Maybe they embody characteristics that you value, and wish you could emulate. Maybe they've struggled through adversity with courage, determination and effort; or maybe they're an unsung person whom people don't notice, because they don't sing their own praises (nor induce others to sing them for them). I'd like to tell you a little about one of *my* personal heroines.

I'm not a particularly sporty person; at school, I was usually among the last to be picked for team games; never mind, you can't be good at *everything*! ;-) That said, I enjoyed playing some sports, Rugby Union in particular, and I can at least say that I regularly represented my school in the First XV when I was in the Sixth Form (no idea what they call it these days; when I was 17 and 18). I played hooker (no jokes, please!) and might have continued to play once I went to University, had I not been put off by a spate of three broken necks to front-row players for College teams at my University in my first two weeks. I wasn't *that* keen on the game. I haven't really played competitive sport since; I used to ride my horse, Bally, but not competitively, and I tended to enjoy outdoor activities (especially scuba diving) which were, by their nature, non-competitive. So it's fair to say that I'm not aware of any sense in which I stand to lose out on participating in something I love doing by completing my journey towards womanhood. But for others, they face just such a potential conflict; and how they respond can be a huge indicator of their qualities as a person.

In case you haven't heard of her, Michelle Dumaresq is the Canadian women's downhill mountain biking champion. She's represented her country in international sporting competition, as a woman. To finance her sporting dreams, she works as a welder in a primarily male workforce.

Oh, and she spent the first twenty years of her life as Michael.

Michelle is the subject of a new documentary film, "100% Woman", which I , for one, cannot wait to see. As it says on the film's website:

"Shot over two years, 100% Woman is an adrenaline-fueled ride-along on Michelle's controversial foray into international women's competition. Combining verite scenes, interviews, home movies and dynamic footage of some of the best mountain bikers in the world, we follow Michelle from her first local race, to the World Championships where she makes history as the first transgendered athlete on a national team, to the glare of the media spotlight."

So, is that why I rate her as a personal heroine? Admirable as her achievements are, that's not the reason. Michelle describes a little of her personal journey on Lynn Conway's "Transsexual Women's Successes" web site. It's not a particularly long piece of writing, and well worth the reading. The key quote, for me, is:

"I have found as a trans person it's acceptable to compete but don't you dare win. Well I did just that."

Now, *that's* an attitude I admire! :-) As well as that piece (and numerous other articles linked to from that site, or easily found via e.g. Google, Michelle was recently interviewed on GenderTalk; and right at the end of the interview, Nancy Nangeroni asked Michelle the question that forms the first part of the title of this post, and Michelle gave the answer that forms the second. And you can hear in her voice that she means it. Even having been through the indignities that she had in pursuit of her competitive dream. "That's* why she's a personal heroine of mine; regret nothing.

Michelle, you go girl! And do I *ever* wish my voice was as cool as yours! :-)

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RE: CrossOver Session Four - "Post-Electrolysis Skincare"

Now online (MP3, 2.00 MB, 8 minutes 40 seconds, 32kbps) - due to my ongoing memory lapses, I completely forgot to talk in Session Three about the condition of the skin after electrolysis, and skincare recommendations. Consider this as Session 3.5... ;-)



As an experiment, I've encoded this session at 32kbps (rather than the 64kbps I've used previously); since this is primarily a speech-only show, I think the drop in audio quality is more than offset by the halving in the downloaded file size. Also, to improve the user experience of those who use iTunes / iPod to play their podcasts, I've changed the Song Name, Artist and Album ID3 tags to work more effectively in that environment. Please let me know (by email or comment) if you approve or disapprove of either (or both) of these changes.

[Via CrossOverPodcast]

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RE: CrossOver Session Three - "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow"

Now online (MP3, 9.06 MB, 19 minutes 48 seconds) - in which I give some thoughts on how to approach the challenge of permanent hair removal. Sadly, whichever method you employ, it won't be "gone tomorrow"... but it's desirable (and necessary) to do it, and hopefully this show will help someone else who has to face (no pun intended) this process.

[Via CrossOverPodcast]

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Now, *this* has impressed me

I read this post, just over a week ago:

One last one, the SXSW crew has a BitTorrent file of all the available music. I'm starting to download this. I need something to listen to on the plane. Thanks to Boing Boing for pointing to that.

[Via Scobleizer: Microsoft Geek Blogger]

... and I promptly set my BitTorrent client running (whenever I wasn't in the office) to download this unexpected bounty. And, last night, the download completed. Over 750 songs is a treat in itself; but, courtesy of the original post in the link above, I realised that there's more to this than just the music. As well as additional music (not included in the original BitTorrent), if you follow the link through you'll end up at CitizenPod, where you can download the complete South By Southwest (SXSW) music festival schedule, to load in your iPod. So what? Especially if, like me, you're sadly not attending the festival or the conference... well, load up your iPod with the festival schedule *and* the downloaded music, and the "Notes" section of iPod becomes an interactive, hyperlinked menu for all of that music. Together with links to details about the artists and songs, itineraries, ... maybe this is "old hat" to some, but I see this, and I think "podcast shownotes", "interactive media content"... this has got my imagination (such as it is these days) buzzing. Very, very cool. Assuming I'm able to travel this time next year, I can see that SXSW (along with Burning Man) need to be on my agenda for 2006...

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Better write this, before I forget...

It's been something of a medical week, this week; I had an appointment with my Doctor on Monday morning, and a regular appointment with a psychiatrist at the Gender Identity Clinic on Tuesday. For Monday, there were five specific topics I needed to discuss with him, but of course, I only remembered four of them. The one that I forgot? The state of my memory... can you spot a trend here? :-( Anyway, acknowledging such good news as there is, my body (particularly my liver) appears to be coping with the full dose of hormones which I'm taking, so no problems are anticipated there. In an effort to try and obtain some sleep (even if artificial) I've been prescribed sedatives to be taken "occasionally"; so the plan is to take them on Monday and Wednesday evenings, so that hopefully I'll get sufficient sleep on those nights to be safe to drive to the office, have a full day there, and drive home again, on Tuesdays and Thursdays at least. We'll see how that goes... as for the Gender Identity Clinic, the primary purpose behind those (nominally) three-monthly appointments is to monitor my progress on the two-year "Real Life Test", successful completion of which is a precondition of approval for Gender Reassignment Surgery. As far as that is concerned, their reading of the situation harmonises with my own, i.e. the most important element for me to focus on remains my voice, the rest is proceeding fine. But the fact that my memory and concentration problems have persisted now worries them, too...

So I'm being referred to a neuro specialist as a precaution. Although there is no history of early-onset Alzheimer's in my family, "let's rule it out to be sure". Oh, now, isn't *that* a cheery thought... I'm conscious that I've probably mentioned my memory issues as much as anything else in this blog. If I'd always been a forgetful, dippy bimbo then I wouldn't worry about it; but until very recently, that wasn't the case at all. The contrast is so marked, and came on so suddenly, that it's hard *not* to be frustrated by it. And, in truth, worried about it. To be blunt, scared witless by it. I am most conscious of it at work, and I am sorry to say that I can't have been much fun to be around while dealing (badly) with this. I've tried to apologise in person to those of my colleagues who've borne the brunt of my frustration; but (with the exception of my immediate boss) I don't think they really understand. Which is no criticism of them.

I tried to think of an upbeat way to finish this post; in truth, I can't find one. All I feel is the realisation that my continual progress towards the ability to live my life as I need to is coupled with a simultaneous reduction in my intellectual capacity to appreciate it. How nice.

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What's in a format?

Do you have an MP3 player? Chances are good that you do, according to a raft of recent statistics. If you do, chances are *very* good that it's an iPod (or one of its variants). Which means (unless you like carrying around an empty electronic device that acts as little more than a paperweight) that you're likely to have at least one piece of digital audio content in which you're interested; an MP3 file, or Apple AAC file, or Windows Media WMA file, or uncompressed WAV, or Ogg Vorbis, or Real Networks, or Digital Monkey, or...

Why the proliferation of formats? Are there any relative advantages or disadvantages? Why should you care? Here are my thoughts on how the plethora of formats impacts my consumption (and, to a much lesser extent, production) of digital audio. My conclusion; I really *can* have my cake and eat it... but sadly not in one format.

When thinking about these different formats, the aspects I considered included:

* Sound quality - how "listenable" were the results, on the various mechanisms by which I consume digital audio;

* Size - yup; size matters ;-) certainly if you're downloading and storing the files, how long is it going to take to download them, and how much space will they consume (on your MP3 player, and on whatever persistent archive you use);

* Availability - from which sources can I get files in this format;

* Usability - on which devices can I use that format;

* Reusability - if I want to reuse part of the content (assuming, of course, that I have the right to) how does the format of the original impact the quality of the results;

* Rights management - can the format enforce rights management (i.e. I'll be restricted in what I can do with it, possibly depending on the price I'm prepared to pay) and can *I* enforce any rights on the content that *I* produce (assuming I choose to);

* "Produceability" - how easy is it for me to produce content in that format;

* Value-add - does the format offer *anything* else that may make it more (or less) applicable to certain uses, other than those aspects listed above?

Out of deference to James (who made the fair observation that some of my posts are too large - "size matters" again!) I'm going to cover this discussion in multiple posts. But I'll state *my* conclusion at the outset (and justify why I've come to that conclusion as we go forwards): Apple's AAC format is the optimal format "for me" (because I can bookmark the files, in iTunes and in my iPod Mini, so I can go away and play as many other tracks as I like, but the next time I play this track, it remembers where I was); except that it can't be used with Napster (or Napster-To-Go), the former being this music-lover's legitimate dream, while the latter appears to be that dream with bells on... but not on an iPod; for Napster, WMA rules.

In the next post in this series, I'll look at sound quality and size (because the two are inextricably linked).

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Hey, Doug, this one's for you! :-)

See the impact that your children are having?

Times Online UK: Crazy Frog turns into a real prince: That's right - when future generations look back at the beginning of the 21st century they will find the biggest cultural icon was the 'Crazy Frog'.... But here's the kicker, the Annoying Thing has apparently generated 14 million pounds for Jamster, with almost no expenses.

[Via Billboard PostPlay]

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War Paint

So it's a cold but clear Sunday morning, and I'm sitting here shivering, because the central heating boiler broke down yesterday evening. Realistically, I don't imagine it will be fixed before tomorrow, so a chilly day is in prospect. "How to warm it up" I ask myself; well, I could talk for ten minutes on any random subject (that's usually guaranteed to generate sufficient hot air to fill a small concert hall); or write some in-depth technical article (my boss thinks I write too much on topics that he's not interested in, like podcasting; of course, since he won't permit me to write on at least one subject I could really could eulogise, like the cunning stuff I spend my working hours developing, it's partly a problem of his own making!) Or, I could write a poem, and share it with you, gentle reader. So here you are.

I left a comment to a post on someone else's blog recently; after I'd written the comment, I realised that the first four words had a rhythm that seemed to beg to be expanded upon.

"War Paint"

Make-up: concealer, camouflage, revealer;
What does the term mean to you?
Method to hide from the hostile outside;
Armour to face an unyielding world;
Or gloss on the final product?

For me, all three,
But mostly the latter.
One way to ensure that
You see what I see.

Without it, I'm me
Still the same me
But clad in a skin that won't set me free;
That won't let me be who I know to be
The person inside of me.

But give me a mirror
Some light, and ten minutes
And I'll put on my mask, for sure.
Cover the blemishes, fill in the wrinkles,
Lay the foundation; but more
Than all that, I'll set free my soul
And say, "there you go, there's the door".

Open, step through
(In a well-chosen shoe)
And see the outside as before;
But see it more clearly,
Feel it more dearly
Like a swimmer who makes for the shore

The world hasn't changed
In a tangible way
From the one that I lived in before
But how I live in it
And what I give to it
Is what I am doing this for.

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Frustration beyond words

So, what do you do when insomnia grabs you at 12.30am (this is so far beyond a joke... I'm seeing my Doctor on Monday morning, not specifically about this, but I have to find *some* way to get some sleep) - you try, for the n'th time, to export your blog from Blogger to Radio, that's what. And succeed, for the n'th time, in finding a way *not* to make it work. :-( So now I've thrown it over to Userland (the publishers of Radio) through their discussion group. I want to use Radio so much (as my colleague Steve puts it, I "get moist" thinking about the possibilities of OPML and ActiveRenderer, both of which Radio supports so well); and *don't* want to lose the content from here; but frankly it's getting to the point where it's just not worth the trouble. Step up to the plate, Userland; an avowed advocate of your software is about to give up on it.

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Go forth and prosper, young man!

There are some things that are guaranteed to put a smile on my face. Seeing someone make progress (whether in their personal or professional life) is one of them; seeing that they recognise that they've made progress, for their own sake and by their own efforts, further increases my pleasure; and if I can justifiably feel that I have helped them (in some way) to make progress, then the glow that I feel is magical. I've often wondered why this has such an effect on me; and I think it's because I recognise that I've been lucky in many ways with the opportunities with which this life has presented me. Some I have taken; some I have royally screwed up; yet others I have *made* happen. They're the ones that felt most satisfying to me; and when other people make progress as I've described, then I believe that it it increases the chance that they can make their own opportunities. I was privileged to see one of my colleagues make such progress this week.

I'm not a particularly materialistic person, and am becoming less so as I get older. That said, since I have to work to make a living, I've tried to remain marketable and desirable (in an economic sense) by identifying skills I have (or developing skills I don't have) which are desirable, valuable but scarce in the market-place. Nothing particularly rocket science about that. That's one of the reasons why I've become so interested in Business Intelligence technologies over the years (databases, data warehousing, online analytical processing, data mining, data visualisation and the like); many organisations want it, few do it well. It's not a commodity technology, nor are the people who truly understand it commodity employees. A true craftsman uses the right tools for the right job at the right time and in the right way; an amateur (even a well-intentioned one) gets part of that combination wrong. We can't all be skilled at everything; but if we can recognise when our knowledge or skills are lacking in some area, resolve to correct that gap, and follow through, then opportunities abound.

So it was with my colleague (I'm not going to name him, primarily because he doesn't have an online presence, that I'm aware of, and would, I suspect, be horribly embarassed if I did so). He'd been handed a pretty stiff challenge at work, applied himself to it for a few weeks, and come up with a solution that used the skills he had; its creativity could not be denied (nor the doubtless hours he'd invested in crafting that solution) but it wasn't giving the performance required. I took a look over his work, and identified where the skills gap was, and we set about working together to give him the extra knowledge he needed, and the confidence to apply it. And he really applied himself to the process. I taught him a methodology in progressive stages; he applied that methodology, using increasingly creative structural design and language syntax; and by the end of last week he delivered the fruits of his labours for testing. The performance improvement between his work of a few weeks previously and that delivery was staggering; but was there more that could be achieved? I suspected so, sent him a quick email on Monday morning to suggest that we take a look the next day, and went off for non-work appointments. When I got in to the office Tuesday morning, he'd further improved the performance by a small factor of, oh, a few hundred times. :-) By his own efforts, and with the confidence to think creatively with the new skills at his disposal.

I can't tell you how proud I was (and am) of him.

When learning a new skill or body of knowledge, I think that there's a critical mass of knowledge you have to have before you can both learn new facets (in a self-driven way) *and* apply that knowledge, withour guidance from others. I've been privileged to watch that happen for my colleague over the last few weeks. I hope he recognises (and enjoys) what he's achieved; he should. In this particularly area of technology, he's lifted himself above the level of everyone else in the company, in my opinion (and we have some incredibly talented people working here).

My own ongoing memory and concentration problems have further hampered my abilities to get the satisfaction from training others that I used to get; but on this occasion, we were able to make it happen. For which my colleague receives double thanks; both for providing me with the opportunity to experience again the joy of being a part of someone else's progress... and for taking some more of the pressure off me.

And yesterday I managed to solve a technical problem that has hampered us for weeks; I'll have more weeks as satisfying as this one, please! ;-)

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No good deed goes unpunished

This is going to be quite a long post, and it's going to take quite a twisty path to get to its destination; but hopefully it will repay the time and effort of your reading it. I'm going to apologise in advance to any readers of the Blogdiggers "Women in Podcasting" group; as a member of that group, there's nothing I can do to prevent this post appearing in its entirety in that group (because I publish a full RSS feed, and all posts from this blog get copied to that group). If you decide this post is not for you, please "mark as read" and move on. Anyway, back to the story; in which I will explain precisely why I have decided *not* to do as I undertook to do in the third post I made in this blog, in October of 2004, i.e. "So, I'm going to write about what happens to me on my journey. But that journey has already started, so along the way I'll probably fill in some of the back-story to give the innocent reader a framework to build on." For reasons I'll explain in this post, I'm not going to fill in that back-story in this blog. But, for those who are interested (and judging by my email inbox, there are some) I'm going to point you towards a pretty copious archive which will serve just as well. Probably better, in fact.

When I wake up each day (and, sadly, that's usually at a disgustingly early hour, but at least I wake up at all) I make two promises to myself and the universe:

1) I will not commit suicide today; and

2) I will face today to the best of my abilities as they are, *today*; I will make such decisions as I need to and take such actions as I must with all the resources and good intentions I can muster, and I will either celebrate their successes or learn from their failures.

Sound a little melodramatic? Not at all; I have battled clinical depression for years and have on multiple occasions been driven to attempt suicide. Those attempts all pre-date my acceptance of myself as who I am, and certainly pre-date the process by which I am becoming (physically, socially and legally) who I am. Do I expect to ever be driven to that action again? No, I don't. But I take this as seriously as a recovering alcoholic needs to take alcoholism, i.e. I don't make the mistake of ever thinking that I'm "cured" and can go back to the patterns of behaviour of the past. Like a recovering alcoholic, I take it one day at a time. Whatever life throws at me, I can take it for just one day. And then tomorrow, I'll take it for just one day. And so on.

The second promise helps me to remember a lesson I learned, very painfully along the way. Hindsight is a marvellous thing; and a terrible thing. Because it can cause you to torment yourself with all the things you did that you should have done differently, or the things that you didn't do that you should have done. *Particularly* if you are prone to depression, or low self-esteem, where the automatic reaction (for me at least) was to forget the successes and magnify the failures into disasters. Which is not a terribly helpful or constructive thing to do! ;-) Therefore, whatever happens today, I will not beat myself up over it in the future. I face each day to the best of my abilities that day; and really, that's all that any of us can ever really do.

I don't believe in a divine power that guides us; but I do think that sometimes events combine to indicate either that some action long-considered but long delayed should now be taken; or indeed to reveal the action, and inspire the courage to do it. In the last five days, four things have happened that have convinced me that now is the time to write this post, settle the past, and move on. Two of them happened, quite unexpectedly, today. The time is propitious.

Are you intrigued? ;-)

The first event was my decision last week to start recording and podcasting some occasional audio shows about my personal experience of living with gender dysphoria. I made a decision, which I stated publicly, that I would only record those (or write about transgender issues on this blog) until all my surgical and legal processes are complete (which is likely to be in about a year's time) *or* I think that no-one is particularly interested, whichever comes sooner, and I'm going to stick to that. The reason, as I explained, is because I want to live in the future, not dwell on the past. I stand by that decision.

The second event was to discover, through the agency of Amy Gahran's "Women in Podcasting" list, a fellow podcaster whose current work is, to my mind, beautiful, but who has packed into a life (of probably a similar span to mine) a range of achievements, experiences and accomplishments that, frankly, astound me. I looked at what I have achieved (and I thought I'd lived a bit!) and realised that, really, I've been half asleep in comparison. Blow that for a game of soldiers! :-) Time to start living and achieving something close to the potential which I suspect has been stifled for too many years by the combined effects of depression and the unresolved gender dysphoria which undoubtedly fed it.

The third thing was listening this lunchtime to yesterday's edition of "Daily Source Code", Adam Curry's podcast. I love this show in general; but yesterday, Adam interviewed his wife, Patricia Paay, and played some of her enormous back catalogue of recordings. Quite apart from the quality of those recordings (the opening track, "Misty", played with her father's band, is the best version of that old standard that I've ever heard) the obvious love and affection between these two (which is also evident in earlier editions of the show, both in occasional interactions when Patricia crosses Adam's path while he's recording, and in how he speaks about her from time to time when she's not there) is an inspiration. Love him or hate him as a celebrity or a person, the pair of them show patently know how to make a relationship work, grow and flourish. Respect! Or, I suppose that should be, "boing!" Anyway, having stroked their collective egos a little, the *point* of this paragraph is to draw attention to something that Patricia said, right at the beginning, when explaining why it had taken so long for him to get her to sit down and record this podcast; her explanation was "... I don't like to look back... you never hear me talk about it... I always look ahead..."

And the fourth event, in the half-hour break between an hour of facial electrolysis and fifteen minutes of electrolysis on the unmentionables was listening to another podcast, this time of Susan Smith Nash reading her own poem, "Five Times Into The Prayer". When she got to the lines:

"I bow my head --
will today be the day I finally forgive myself?
Tears dripping softly onto the surface
I'm tired of too many failed attempts,
too many dark nights of the soul."

The tears that were dropping softly were my own. From her opening comments before starting to read the poem, patently it was written with an entirely different intent. But I heard those words and thought of my own "long dark nights of the soul"; of my own "failed attempts" (which now, frankly, I'm glad were failures); of my own tears, then and now; and thought that, yes, today is the day I finally forgive myself and move on.

Four events; only one of them did I initiate. The universe is trying to tell me something; for once, maybe, I'm listening. I think it's telling me to not just *say* that I'm living for the now, and the future, but to *do*. So, for that reason alone, I'm not going to fill in my back-story by writing it here; the most I'll do is to refer to tiny portions of it, in any sessions of CrossOver where it's necessary to give some context (maybe some justification); but that's it. From today, I'll write about today and the future.

However... as I said, I know from my email inbox that some people want to know more. Well, the best I can say is this; quite a body of my writings already exist on the internet, and it would not take someone who was particularly interested too long to find them. I've never been particularly bothered about "covering my tracks", because, seriously, I've nothing to hide. So the simplest thing, to my mind, is to give a link (for those that are interested) and they can go and delve around for themselves, if they've the inclination. Do I post that link here? Only one thing stops me; doing so might draw one particular person's attention to this blog. Which, of itself, wouldn't be a problem to me; but I know what the effect would be... which would likely be to pollute the comments of this blog with some of the sickest, foulest invective you can imagine. Which again, wouldn't be a problem for me; but do *you* want to read that? In a post about the pros and cons of allowing comments on blogs, specifically *this* blog, I wrote (in answer to a hypothetical explanation for why some people might not want to leave a comment):

" "If I put a comment up, you'll only remove it again" - no, I won't (with one exception; words that are hurtful, spiteful or dangerous to someone other than me). If I was worried about what people might say about me, I wouldn't have started this blog in the first place.*

Well, I stand by that; I'm not afraid of harsh language, or people that disagree with me, but trust me, *you'll* have to have a pretty strong constitution not to be disgusted by some of the comments that may well be posted here if a lay a trail to that online repository of my maunderings and a certain person follows it back here. I can deal with it; can *you*, gentle reader?

What I suggest is this; if you want to delve around in that archive, send me an email (or leave me a comment) and I'll send you the link by email. Or, convince me (by email or by comment) that the potential for seeing a few stomach-churning comments turn up here is small in comparison with the opportunity to learn a little more about my (frankly, tedious, in my humble opinion) back-story. Either way, I've lived my past, and no longer intend to discuss it here. Because from today, as Patricia Paay said, "I always look ahead..."

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RE: Blogging is good for your health

Blogging is good for your health, according to a press release titled the “Brain of a Blogger” from two doctors, Fernette Eide M.D. and Brock Eide M.D. M.A. of Eide Neurolearning Blog:

[Via The Blog Herald: more blog news more often]

Tell me something I *don't* know, why don't you? ;-)

Good article.

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RE: Ruby and Brian gave me a bunch of(...)

Having written about my reorganisation of my news aggregator to support my reading habits, I've caught up on some of the feeds I've rather neglected recently. As proof of why I like to at least skim a feed rather than just "mark all read", if I had done the latter, I would likely have missed this:

Ruby and Brian gave me a bunch of presents as I was leaving Chapel Hill on Sunday. One of them was a rocking Buddha designed for dashboard mounting. Today I installed the Buddha and he kept me company while I was driving. Of course I immortalized him with a http://static2.podcatch.com/blogs/gems/snedit/DSCN2447.MOV movie.

[Via Scripting News]

Want one! :-)

Update - something odd appears to be occurring with Feedburner, in that if I quote an article which contains a link to a media file, then that file may get added as an enclosure to *this* post. That wasn't my intention. Sorry.

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Surfing, not drowning

I'm a tinkerer; I like to fiddle, tweak, tune, experiment, hypothesise, investigate, analyse, adapt, revert, swear, celebrate... not least in terms of my computer and software configuration. Sometimes I think I should leave well alone; but, really, where's the fun in *that*? ;-) Anyway, while my news reading habits don't approach the scale of people like Robert Scoble, I have a diverse enough range of interests that I subscribe to over a hundred RSS feeds at this time. I've come to the conclusion that I can manage this volume of data flow, but that I wasn't getting all from it that I could. So, in the spirit of those terms I listed in the first sentence, I've been studying how others manage their news reading, how I currently approach mine, and considering how to modify my approach (if or where appropriate). I think I've hit on an optimal approach (for me, for now) so I thought I'd share it here, in case anyone else might benefit (or care to suggest even more improvements). I'm not claiming any ownership of these ideas; I've doubtless synthesised them from things I've read both recently and in the past.

First, some background. Online or browser-based services don't work for me; I want to be able to read news when I'm not connected to the internet. Now, that's less frequently these days, but it *does* happen, so I prefer to cater for that eventuality. Second, I'm not averse to spending money on software (and I won't use illegitimate software), but I'd prefer to rule out free alternatives first! So after a brief flirtation with intraVnews, which ran as an add-in to Microsoft Outlook (the email application I use for work, and the scheduling / contact management application I use for everything) I decided I wanted to try a standalone application. James suggested RSS Bandit, which I tried, and have used the release version v1.2.0.117 for the last six months or so, without any real issues. I read the announcements of a new beta version, and while the new features sounded interesting, I didn't want to screw up my current set-up, so I resolved to wait a month or so (for other people to find any catastrophic issues) before giving it a whirl. Which I have now done; and I'm really, really impressed! :-) So, that's the application on which I'm basing this discussion. (As a matter of interest, I do have Thunderbird installed, which I use for reading one of my Gmail accounts offline, and although I know it provides some RSS aggregation features, I've never tried them; as yet, I haven't felt the need to move away from RSS Bandit.)

Until recently, I had my feeds nicely categorised by subject area. Which is fine; all of the feeds under "Podcasts" were patently about podcasts, "News and Sport" (well, I'm sure you can work that one out!), "Music", "Technology" and so forth. All well and good; but it wasn't working for me. I would start catching up on unread items and either get side-tracked, or come across an obviously important post which required concentration to get the most out of, or feel frustrated as the unread articles count ticked up because of some particularly active feeds that I subscribe to, ... classic case of "drowning in data, but starved of knowledge". So, I realised that the issue was the categorisation I used. Frankly, I didn't need to know what subject area a feed fell under, I needed to know:

* How important is this to me (do I want to read every post, or am I happy to miss some)?

* How urgent is this to me (do I want to read new posts as soon as possible after my aggregator finds them, or am I happy just to read them eventually)?

* Do I need to be online to get the most from this feed (is it a full feed or summary only, does the poster have a habit of linking frequently to external sites so that if I read the feed while offline I'll be missing out)?

* For how long might I want to be able to search back for the contents of the post, after I've read it (what should the retention period be)?

* How much attention will I have to give to this feed (is it, for example, highly technical, so that I will need to concentrate exclusively on it, or highly artistic, so that I will want to savour it)?

* Will I want to read unread articles from this feed in isolation from other unread articles, or am I happy to read them in a chronological "river of news"?

There are probably other dimensions by which I might choose to categorise the feeds I read, but basically, that covers the ones that seem to matter to me, right now. Based on the above, I've come up with the following categories, which I'll describe in terms of how I'll use them, *and* how I've set up RSS Bandit to support my use of them. (I'm sure that most decent news aggregators will offer most or all of the features I'm referring to here).

1) Continuous - these are feeds that I'll want to read as soon as they contain new articles, and will want to refer back to for as long as possible; they represent the key focus of my online interests at this moment;

2) Multidimensional - all the feeds relevant to my blog and podcasts (not for vanity reasons... well, not *entirely* for vanity reasons!... but so that I can identify as quickly as possible if something has gone wrong with a post, e.g. a podcast is missing an enclosure tag);

3) Frequent - I'll want to check these at least a couple of times a day;

4) Frequent (Online Only) - similar to Frequent, but these are likely to need me to be online when I read them;

5) Daily - feeds I'd like to be current with, by the end of the working day;

6) Regular - feeds I want to keep on top of, but not become a slave to;

7) In-Depth - feeds I know that I will need peace, quiet and concentration to fully enjoy;

8) Occasional - feeds that may spark new ideas or connections; typically I'll want to read these when I've got time on my hands *and* am feeling at my most creative and connected (which is, sadly, not all the time);

9) Skim - these are feeds that I'll quickly scan, if I've got the time and inclination, but not beat myself up over if I miss items.

Something I picked up from one of the IT Conversations shows I downloaded was "the posts you don't read are not important; it's what you do with the posts that you *do* read that's important" (doubtless not an exact quotation, and sadly I can't remember exactly which show or speaker it was to give them credit, but the point is, in my opinion, a good one). The categories above seem to maximise the chances that I can do just that. Basically, I'll want to keep on top of 1) and 2) throughout the day. 3) and 4) I'll want to keep on top of by lunchtime and by close of play, although 4) is dependent upon having an online connection. 5) I want to be clear by the end of the day. If I can do that, then I'll have likely seen all of the things that I wanted to see, each day, and had the chance to give them sufficient attention to make the appropriate choice about what (if anything) to do in response to each post.

6) and 7) I'd like to keep on top of by the end of the weekend. So if necessary, I'll make some quiet time to get the most out of them, especially 7). 8) is dependent on my being in a receptive frame of mind; 9) is dependent on me having *any* time and energy to spare! ;-)

In terms of managing my current subscriptions, I've categorised all of my feeds to fit them *at this moment in time*. I expect any individual feed to move around between those categories, as my immediate interests and priorities change, but by and large, once I've subscribed to a feed, I stay subscribed to it, even if it ends up in 9). About the only time I unsubscribe from a feed is when it is discontinued, i.e. continually returns errors.

As for manging new subscriptions, well, by default, new feeds I encounter go in 6), unless it's obvious from the beginning that they belong in 7), 8) or 9). Typically I won't move feeds into 1), 3), 4) or 5) until I'm familiar with both the poster's style *and* the relevance of the feed to my immediate professional and personal activities.

For those who are still here, this is how I've configured RSS Bandit to support me in managing these categories. For each category, I will list:

* Update frequency (I believe it's wrong to access an RSS feed more than once an hour; for some feeds, once a day would be more than sufficient, but one minor criticism I have of RSS Bandit is that the longest refresh period is just 2 hours);

* Retention period;

* Desktop alert (i.e. do I want some visual notification if items arrive in that feed).

1) Continual - 60 minutes; unlimited; yes;

2) Multidimensional - 60 minutes; unlimited (so I can quickly refer to them by URL or context in subsequent posts); yes (so I know if something's gone awry with a post);

3) Frequent - 60 minutes; 21 days; no;

4) Frequent (Online) - 60 minutes; 21 days; no;

5) Daily - 120 minutes; 21 days; no;

6) Regular - 120 minutes; 21 days; no;

7) In-Depth - 120 minutes; unlimited; no;

8) Occasional - 120 minutes; unlimited; no;

9) Skim - 120 minutes; 21 days; no;

One last point; the one tiny issue I identified in the above was, what happens if I encounter a post in a feed other than 8) or 9), but which I want to save to read under the same conditions *as* 8) or 9). Answer: del.icio.us is your friend! If you haven't taken at a look at del.icio.us, I urge you to do so. I'll probably write about how I'm using it (and planning to use it) in a future post.

Update - one last point is on the subject of full vs. summary feeds. If the feed is summary only, then it's likely that if it ends up in 9), skimming it may not repay the effort. In that case, I'll probably unsubscribe from the feed. Feed publishers, take heed! ;-)

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RE: CrossOver Session Two - "The First Time"

Now online (MP3, 8.8 MB, 19 minutes 11 seconds) - in which I give some thoughts on how to approach the challenge of telling someone for the first time that you are (or may be) transgendered; and why to try not to make too much of a deal about it.



Following on from a previous post, a new category, "Gender", has been added to the ipodder.org directory; to which I have now added CrossOver (so if you use a podcatching client that can select feeds from the ipodder.org directory, you can now select this show directly without typing in the RSS feed address). As it happens, the editor of this node of the directory is... me. ;-) Thanks, Adam; boing! The fine folks at GenderTalk are also listed, in the same category; double boing!



So, if by any chance you produce (or know of ) a relevant podcast that isn't listed elsewhere in that directory, then I'll be happy to add them to the Gender category (just fill in the form on the "suggest a link" page, which will send me the details). If there's a podcast that isn't in the directory, doesn't really fit under Gender, but might be appropriate in another category, then I recommend that you use the "suggest a link" on the appropriate category to send the suggestion to the appropriate editor.

[Via CrossOver]

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GenderTalk radio now has a podcast RSS feed!

I mentioned in the first session of CrossOver that one of my favourite online audio shows is GenderTalk ("talking about transgenderism in the first person") but that technically it didn't qualify as a podcast (because you had to manually download the show from their site or the Internet Archive, rather than use a podcatching client) as they didn't have an RSS feed with enclosures. I also mentioned that I probably ought to email them.

Well, I did (remembering to follow up on something is quite a rarity for me, these days!)... and they have responded with just such a feed - respect! Currently, the feed only contains the latest show, coincidentally their 500th (to my mind, adding a podcast feed is a great way to mark that milestone) but more than 350 of the older shows are still available for download.

As I'm preparing my second session of CrossOver, a question that has been going around in my mind is, if I list the show in the ipodder.org directory, exactly *where* in that directory should I list it? If GenderTalk is listed, I would want to put CrossOver in the same place; my concern is that I'm not sure that, really, *any* of the current categories fit! ;-) I've emailed Adam Curry (in his capacity as overall maintainer of the directory) to ask for his thoughts and have suggested that, even though he's recently trimmed down the directory structure, a new node "Alternate Lifestyles" might be appropriate; general enough not to be restricted to just transgender issues, neutral enough not to be offensive (I don't see why anyone *should* be offended, of course, but, for example, I wouldn't want CrossOver listed anywhere under "Sex" for example, because it's not about sex). I've even offered to maintain that directory node. Anyway, we'll see what happens.

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When you know what you know, but don't remember that you know it

I've mentioned often enough in this blog my ongoing battle with insomnia; much as I really try not to let it get me down, it *does* affect the quality of my life. Sure, I can be productive at 2.30 am when my racing mind has woken me and won't let me get back to sleep; but it puts me out of sync with colleagues and friends who live on a more or less conventional circadian rhythm. I baulk at the concept of sedative medication, because a) my body is already under enough strain with the hormone treatment, b) a short-term course of sedatives wouldn't actually solve the long-term problem, and c) a long-term course would be madness. I have to find a better way. Then again, maybe I *had* a better way all along, but had just forgotten that I had it...

I can't recall if I've mentioned it here before or not, but I am closely in tune with Buddhist philosophies, particularly Zen Buddhism. I originally began looking into the subject in the early nineties, but it was only when I was really buckling under a vicious bout of clinical depression in 2000 and 2001 that I began studying it in earnest. I've never viewed Buddhism as a faith or religion; it doesn't require me to "believe" anything, but it *does* require me to examine the basic questions of life and existence, and to consider the teachings of the Buddha (who was not a god, but an ordinary man, albeit a particularly insightful one) and ask myself, "how does this teaching apply to *me*?" I like that; I am by training and inclination a scientist. I need to examine a problem, develop hypotheses that might explain them, find a way to test those hypotheses, examine the results, and either prove, disprove or modify those hypotheses in the pursuit of clearer understanding. Buddhism doesn't just support that; it actively encourages it. It is also, in my opinion, a very pragmatic philosophy, with justified (but flexible) guidelines, rather than strictly mandated or forbidden practices. Bottom line, it works for me; but I recognise that I do not adhere to all the practices, and so would describe myself as having Buddhist tendencies rather than "being a Buddhist".

One of the techniques employed in the pursuit of enlightenment (the goal of any Buddhist) is meditation. Different schools of Buddhism promote different styles of meditation, but as far as I'm concerned, *any* meditation, done correctly, is better than no meditation at all. During the worst depths of the period I mentioned above, such meditation as I was able to perform really helped to calm the chaos in my mind. So, of course, it made perfect sense to continue with that practice thereafter.

Erm...

The fact that it made good sense didn't mean I actually *did* it. I've just sat here and tried to remember the last time I followed a regular pattern of meditation; probably not since 2002.

So maybe part of the solution has been staring me in the face all the time, but I've been too busy or preoccupied to see it.

I was prompted to think about this when one of the RSS feeds I subscribe to notified me of a new show available for download from IT Conversations. Now, IT Conversations is one of my favourite podcasts; sure, it has a huge range of technology-related content to choose from and listen to, but it also has a wide range of content from outside the Information Technology sphere. I know that I've previously mentioned a recording of a talk given by Barry Schwartz that really resonated with me; well, when I read this announcement of a new show:

Dr. Moira Gunn speaks with psychiatrist Dr. Mark Epstein. While he's not averse to prescribing anti-depressants and other mainstream drugs, he's just as likely to prescribe Buddhist meditation. Sounds different, but the science supports it. [Tech Nation podcast on IT Conversations]

[Via IT Conversations]

I knew would have to listen to it. And I did; and realised just how foolish I had been to have found a fantastic method for calming the whirling chaos of my mind a few years ago, and to then subsequently forget it again.

Prompted by the resolve to be a little more proactive, and to see whether starting to meditate again, on a regular basis, will help my mind to relax enough to allow me a little more sleep than I currently get, I downloaded a file from the Internet Archive which I found in the "Tse Chen Ling Buddhist Lectures" section. The file is a zipped archive of four instructional sessions of meditation. At 150 MB, and with a running time of over five hours for the four sessions, it's a hefty download; but, I'm very glad that I downloaded and played them. Listening to them didn't really teach me anything I didn't already know; but it reminded me that I actually *knew* this material, but wasn't giving myself the opportunity to apply it in my life.

So I have resolved to begin meditating again. Not for any particular purpose, other than the pursuit of such enlightenment as I don't already possess (my tongue is *very* firmly in my cheek when I say that!). But if it has a sufficiently calming influence to promote a little more of the "deep and dreamless", I will not be unhappy... ;-)

I'll let you know how it goes.

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CrossOver - Session One

Oft threatened, oft delayed... I've finally started my second audio show, "CrossOver". Because I'm having a few last minute hitches with my blog's migration to Radio, I've started CrossOver as a separate Blogger blog; it will probably turn out to be one of the shortest-living blogs in living memory, as it may well be migrated in a matter of hours! Oh well... anyway, if you're interested, here's a copy of the inaugural post (stripped of the hyperlinks to the MP3 files, so they don't end up in VoiceOver by mistake)

Now online (MP3, 4.25 MB, 9 minutes 15 seconds)



By popular demand, and against my initial reservations... welcome to the first session of CrossOver (RSS Feed) my occasional audio show which discusses some aspects of my experience of living with Gender Dysphoria, and all the fun and games that follow as a consequence.



I've decided to record this show in response to feedback from readers of my blog and listeners to my other audio show, VoiceOver (RSS feed); for reasons that I've written about on my blog, and described in this short audio file (MP3, 1.89 MB, 4 minutes 06 seconds) I do not discuss anything to do with Gender Dysphoria in VoiceOver. This show, CrossOver, is intended to provide a forum for those topics which, therefore, I haven't discussed in audio before.



Confused? Join the club! ;-)



I'll state at the outset that I don't envisage continuing CrossOver much beyond my final surgery, around about a year from now; and I'm making no commitment as to how frequently (or infrequently) future sessions will appear until then; and if I don't receive much feedback from the initial shows (or rather, if I don't receive much *positive* feedback) then I may not feel sufficiently enthused to record further sessions. Which is a long-winded way of saying, if you like what you hear (or if you *don't* like what you hear) please leave a comment (without revealing your name, if you're shy) or drop me an email at koanbremner (at) gmail (dot) com - absolute discretion guaranteed.



Enough of the preamble; on with the motley!



Show notes to follow in a day or so (I have a habit of forgetting to put the show notes online after the event, so if I neglect to do so, please give me a nudge, someone...)

[Via CrossOver]

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Move along, nothing to see here

I'm going to do the lion's share of the much-delayed migration from Blogger to Radio Userland tonight; I expect there will be a short period when this blog is unavailable. Please bear with me; I think I've thought of everything, but inevitably I'll foul up something... normal service will be resumed... eventually... ;-)

Update 9.07pm - well, I've exported the posts from here, without screwing up things at the Blogger end; now I just have to figure out why I'm getting the error "can't evaluate the expression because the name /pcdata hasn't been defined" when I try to import them into Radio; I can feel a quick email to Donovan Watts (of Radio: The Missing Manual fame, and now Radio's Librarian) might be advisable...

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